Unstable. That is the word–unstable.

This…what I’m feeling…it’s so much more than just depression. It’s so much more than just anxiety. It’s more than just my self-defeating interpersonal strategies. It’s more than loneliness. It’s more than heartbreak. It’s more than the usual level of fear or angst. I feel unstable. Terrified. Not just scared–terrified. I feel like I’m disintegrating.

Things that are difficult and sometimes scary to me feel impossible right now. Reaching out to say “hello” to anyone feels like a life and death proposition. Walking out of my front door feels insanely dangerous. I feel relief only during sleep and while playing my game.

I am so fucking terrified right now. It feels like there is some invisible and oppressive force threatening me. I live in a reptilian state. And from here I have to function. Try to be human. Drive a car. Talk to a client or a friend. But I can’t.

I feel unstable. Out of control. An alien in my own body. Like I don’t know who or what I am. Like I’m dying. Dissolving. Disappearing. Where did I go?