Trapped and alone in the silent darkness. Out of sync with the world. Neither dead nor alive. Insomnia leaves you in a liminal place both the night of and the day after. Unable to feel or act. The heavy weight of my head on my useless tired body. Another sick day. More lost wages. Unable to work. Unable to connect. To love. Do I cancel my plans again? Will I even be able to keep my eyes open?
It hurts to write this. To stare at the screen and move my listless fingers. If only I could look forward to sleep tonight. For the living sleepiness is information; it is the body telling them that it is time to sleep. That they will sleep. For the insomniac this information is irrelevant. It is like feeling hunger where there is very little possibility of a meal.
Nothing makes me more suicidal than two or more more nights of insomnia in a row. It can make nihilists out of monks and priests; can turn the kindest people into sadists. All I want right now is to be able to feel…anything. Desire. Sadness. Loneliness. I want to find my pulse. To feel human. Must I grapple with this as well?!
The idea of caffeine sounds so appealing. Perhaps it would give me a temporary jolt. A rush. A momentary feeling of being alive. I understand the temptation to abuse drugs right now. You chase a feeling right now regardless of the consequences. Caffeine and sugar straight into my bloodstream. Mmmm. But I know this is only a fantasy. I would only feel wired and tired which is simply a more frustrating version of what I feel now.
But what about drugs for sleep? Oh my dear reader! If only you know the dozens of drug cocktails I have been put on since the age of 19! Drugs that would put a horse to sleep! Nightly. Regardless of the long term impact on my liver, heart or kidneys. Drugs every night. Anti-depressants for sleep. Hypnotics. Benzos. I have even gone the “natural” route: CBD, Melatonin, Cannabis…nothing. If I keep taking my meds it is only because they sometimes work. And sleeping sometimes is better than never sleeping.