This has been a busy and stressful week. And it’s not over: I still have four appointments today and one tomorrow. There’s nothing interesting about that to me. It’s such a boring thing to say that I’m tempted to resort to a tautological and platitudinous pet peeve: it is what it is.
The one thing that is interesting about this week is the realization that even when my mental health issues are not entering the picture (no real depressions; no “abandonment triggers”; only one night of poor sleep) life is still challenging. I feel as though my life has consisted of eating, sleeping, walking, checking in on my aunt and working. What little bandwidth remains is used to pack a few things and rest. It’s always just the next task at hand.
I don’t give myself enough credit. It’s like my depressive personality gets in the way of recognizing the fact that I’m a really hard worker. I too often diminish myself by comparing myself to, for example, a manual laborer that has to work 14 hour days to keep their family fed. It is important to stay humble and see my blessings. So far I have not lost my employment. So far I have been able to financially survive the pandemic. But that shouldn’t be mutually exclusive with appreciating myself. I do what some others in my field cannot in order to pay for rent, medical insurance and food. I have love and support and what I have is what I work for. There is a dignity in that. A dignity that I forget at times. I forget that I’m really strong tough and that I come from hardworking ancestral roots. And I do so because I’m also a very sensitive and fragile person and, for some reason, I choose to define myself exclusively by this.
I don’t want to forget this. I’m strong. Resilient. Tough. AND, I’m fragile and extremely sensitive. I don’t want to forget that I’m doing the best I can and that weeks like this are just part of surviving and that I’m not alone in this (certainly not alone in a corporate capitalist economy that is created to benefit only a very small percentage of its citizens).
Okay. Four more. I feel like crawling into bed and avoiding, but I’ve I got this. I’ve gotten through far more. It’s just another day.